This picture was taken the night I wanted to walk away from it all. I bet you see what I see…

A happy dad reading to his kids but that’s where you are wrong and that’s where this story begins.

COVID-19 was looming large, but this isn’t a story about how hard it was to be isolated from friends, family or even the financial uncertainty that came with riding that COVID-19 wave.

This is about the pressure we face as modern dads.

As the restrictions hit our little man arrived. My wife had been incredible. No pain relief in sight. She'd committed to giving birth naturally and had smashed it out of the park.

Her mental and physical strength caught me off guard.

We made it home and once the door closed that was it, we were now parents to two under 3s! 
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​That first night was tough – Not only did we have to try and work out what the little one wanted but we also had a toddler who wanted nothing more than to feel safe and be part of this new adventure.

Not only did he have a new brother to compete with, his little world had been completely turned upside down and everything he'd grown to love had been taken away! 

​As we were all trying to adjust, his need to be close to us made those early days harder than we could ever have imagined. 

I started to feel overwhelmed, I couldn’t think straight and I'd gone from elation to the lowest of lows in a matter of days.

I was spinning out of control, and I couldn’t understand why.

The truth is I’d been in a dark place for a long time and I’d chosen to ignore the signs, but as we faced the challenge of lockdown with two under 3s, I lost all hope.

Here I was, a father to two beautiful boys and I was falling apart. I prided myself on my ability to move forward, provide and deliver when it mattered but for the first time I felt nothing but pain. 

To be clear I’m a good dad and I have always believed that I was capable of being a good dad. 

I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I had everything I wanted but I felt empty and lost.

It felt like I was living inside a black cloud and the weight of it was making everything, even basic tasks hard to do. I was supposed to be enjoying this time, but I found myself crippled by anxiety, frustration, stress and anger.

When I first became a dad in 2017 – I nailed it! I took it in my stride and just got on with it. I never questioned my competence and I always felt like I had it under control.

​Then, 9 days in and the enormity of what I was facing hit me hard and fast.

It had been a terrible day... Our youngest had behaved beautifully but our eldest had been a handful and as bedtime came around, it was about to get a lot harder.

My son was reaching out – He wanted to feel loved and protected.

That day I descended into an endless cycle of negative thoughts and my eldest was taking the brunt of it! I was short tempered, impatient and a ball of flaming misery. 

This had nothing to do with being a dad and had everything to do with me.

My mood was about to make the next few hours even harder. 

We'd dreaded bedtime that night and whilst we were both finding his behaviour challenging, only one of us was burnt out.

He was screaming and crying. All he wanted was to be close to mummy and daddy.

This was supposed to be fun!!!
 
A few hours into the bedtime fight, I needed to escape, I needed a moment to breathe!

The solution... Jump in the car, go for a drive and hope he dropped off. 

For the record this was a solution that had never worked.

I stormed out of the house with my young son on my shoulder. I jumped in the car and set off. We drove for what seemed like hours and as we drove my thoughts just got darker and darker. 

I remember looking back at him and asking myself whether he would be better off without me. 

Had my thoughts really got that dark?

But, this had nothing to do with fatherhood! I had just pushed myself to the very edge.

My mind and body had both given me plenty of warnings, but I ignored them in the pursuit of giving my family everything I thought they needed.

As we drove into the night I was searching from that one thing that would wake me up from my nightmare.

I couldn’t understand why I was finding this so hard.

At this point I hated myself. Here I was taking out my frustration on my son and all he needed was daddy and a cuddle.

As the silence closed in around me I could feel the pull of something sinister. I could see the way out, but how I could do it to my young family?

I started to think about how they'd survive and how they'd cope without me. It was an incredibly selfish thought process but right there and then with nowhere to turn, it was all I could do. 

No matter how far I drove he still didn't drop off, he was peaceful but wired. Looking back he was feeding off my energy and could sense the fear radiating off me.

An hour in our drive and the self-doubt, self-loathing, and worthlessness had consumed me.

There felt like there was no escape and As I drove on my mind did what it always did…

It created a moment of stillness and suddenly I could see the solution...

“Bury it deep, ignore it and move on”.

This was how I responded under pressure. If I buried it deep enough it would pass and life would pick up where I'd left off. You see I'd ignored the signed before, but this time it felt different, almost dangerous.​

I sat down on the sofa in silence opposite my wife who was nursing our 9 day old baby boy. She wanted to know what was wrong. She wanted answers, but I couldn't find the words to give her what she needed.

How could I tell her I wanted to give up? How could I tell her I wanted to walk away and leave her and my children behind? 

As the silence filled the room, I prayed that she’d let it go.

I was clinging on but she wanted answers, she backed me into a corner and without considering the consequence or the power of the words I was about to use I blurted out: “I can’t cope, I don’t want to be alive anymore!”​

The force of the language hit her full on! The shock hit hard, and her disbelief quickly turned to anger.

My words had ripped through her and in a matter of seconds I had crushed her dreams! 

I could see the pain in her eyes. I desperately tried to console her as I tried to undo the pain I'd caused.

I remember the look like it was yesterday. She looked right through me and it was clear she'd gone into survival mode - Protect the children at all costs!

It was if I wasn't there. She looked right through me and that expression will haunt me, but in that moment I felt something shift. Her reaction stirred something in me and I instantly felt lighter. ​

As the rawness of the moment subsided we talked it through and for the first time I felt free. I knew they needed me to find the strength to carry on.

But it had to be my choice to fight back.

As I comforted her I made a promise, one that I still keep today and that was the turning point. 

I’d finally faced up to the demons in my head, but it was obvious that I’d shared too much. In that moment I'd pressed a gun to her temple and pulled the trigger and in my moment of weakness I destroyed everything we’d built together.

By sharing the pain I'd concealed for so long I caused unspeakable pain to the person I loved and respected more than anyone. She didn't understand why I felt the way I did and she wanted to understand it. She wanted to make sense of it to ensure the safety of our young family. 

There was no where to hide, this was my once chance to let her in.

Everything inside of me wanted to fight. I knew in that moment that the only person responsible for where I had needed up was me.

This event had affected us but my relationship with our eldest was on the verge of falling apart.

As dads we judge ourselves too quickly, we are too hard on ourselves and we put everyone else first. It's these noble acts that ultimately lead us to burnout. You might not want to admit it but the pressure is real. 

I drove myself to the brink in my quest to be the 'Best Dad'. What I discovered was that the pain I felt and the challenges I faced had nothing to do with being a dad.

And that's the problem a lot of us face... We've developed this way of coping that creates conflict, pushes people away and leads to us feeling exhausted and isolated. 

The problem is... You cannot hide from your struggles. Fatherhood will catch you out and when it does it can cost you everything you love. 

Fatherhood has taught me a lot about myself and if my story resonated, here's what you need to know... 

Like you, I would do anything for my kids. I struggled but that night forced me to take a long hard look at myself and I realised...

Not only did I need to make changes. 

It was a simple change but that pushed me to understand the impact that I had to have on both my kids and my partner.

Let me be very clear, antenatal classes don't get you ready for the realities of fatherhood and the relentlessness of it all. 

I wasn't ready for the mental strain, the seismic shift in the world around me and I wasn’t ready for the conflict I felt every day I left for work.

I'd seen the love another person had for me and a love I couldn’t find in myself. This strong, centered, passionate, beautiful woman, mum, and wife had saved me.

It's not weak to admit that you need help. You are a man, the fact you’ve become an expert at controlling and hiding your emotion isn't an excuse to ignore the need to care for the person that will shape lives!​

Every day they learn from you. Your role is to teach, guide and help them find their path. Your objective is to help them find joy and live a happy and fulfilled life.

I have one simple message...

Your struggle must not dim the light on their world. It must not destroy the man you are or the impact you are looking to have.

Your decision to act on this message is one only you can make. But remember this, no matter how trivial you think the challenge you're facing might be - Accept it! Talk to someone about it, because the longer you ignore it, the more damage it can do to those you love.

It cannot consume you because you are made for so much more and more importantly they need you be so much more. 

Fatherhood is tough, it is raw, unfiltered and at times an incredibly lonely existence, but it is also beautiful, magical and filled with little things that light up your world.

But if your judgement is clouded then you might just miss the beauty in the simple things… And those are the things that matter most to them.



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I’m the same person. The only difference is, today I’m a better person to be around, more focused, less frustrated, less distracted and more present and calmer around my kids. You might not see the difference. But I know it's there.

They don’t see the pain you carry or the pressure you are under.

They need your love and smile no matter how much you’ve had to deal with that day. Those days when you’re angry, frustrated and find yourself shouting and losing your s**t, those are the days the remember. They feel it, but worse than that - It shapes who they become. .

Regardless of your experience when you're finding it hard as a dad it can feel like there is nowhere to turn.

Now you might be thinking - Why didn’t you reach out?

And you’re right, but when I reflect back, I was faced with a choice…

Share it or hide the pain from everyone I loved. For a long time I chose to hide it and it got me nowhere. 

And that's how we're expected to be. You cannot show weakness, but it's that dated view that got me into trouble. 

It wasn’t until I hit the bottom that I finally reached out.

I know now that it was the shame that I associated with asking for help that held me back.

For you it might be different, but at the time I didn’t want people to worry, and I didn’t want people to think I was weak or incapable of feeling different.

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I created a course, not because I wanted to back you into a corner and talk to you about mental health. I didn’t want to talk about it either. I created this course for a simple reason: 

Because my failure to adapt caught me out. I pushed myself to the very edge to ensure my family had what I thought they needed. The problem with this dated approach is that is it leaves us exhausted, frustrated and conflicted.

What they need is you. What they need is a present dad, not one distracted by the world outside. Our approach is limiting their future and we must commit to giving them what they need and focus on maximising our impact and influence. 

In all honesty, my frustration and my failure to change caused me to lose sight of what is important and that left me angry, isolated and disconnected. 

The New Dad Recharge helped me finally focus on what’s important and understand the drivers behind every decision that I make.​

The New Dad Recharge helped me define my role and become the father they need. My role is to influence, impact and inspire from a position of strength and confidence. Today, I'm worthy of that role and I now have a clear objective. Today I know I will positively influence their lives because I've come through the darkest of days.​

If you’re facing something similar, then The New Dad Recharge can help you reset quickly and reflect on the decisions that keep you from becoming the father you’re destined to be.