This picture was taken the night I wanted to walk away from it all. I bet you see what I see… A happy dad reading to his kids.

But that’s where you are wrong and that’s where this story begins.

COVID-19 was looming large, but this isn’t a story about how hard it was to be isolated from friends, family or even the financial uncertainty that came with riding that COVID-19 wave.

This is simply about the pressure you and I face as modern dads.

As the restrictions hit this little man arrived.

We had a little scare in the lead up to the birth but we made it home safe just as the world start to shut down.

My wife had been incredible, and I’d watched on in awe as she brought him into the world with no pain relief! This woman was a machine, she’d committed to giving birth naturally and smashed it out of the park.

If I’m brutally honest, her mental and physical strength caught me off guard.

Once home, the door closed and that was it, we were now parents to two under 3s! 
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​That first night was tough – Not only did we have to try and work out what the little one wanted but we also had a toddler who wanted nothing more than to feel safe and be part of this new adventure.

Not only did he have a new brother to compete with, his little world had been completely turned upside down. Everything he'd grown to love had been taken away! 

​As we were all trying to adjust, his need to be close to us made those early days harder than we could ever have imagined. A few days passed and then it happened.​ 

I started to feel overwhelmed. I couldn’t think straight.

I had gone from elation to the darkest low in a matter of days.

All I knew was that  was spinning out of control, and I couldn’t understand why!

The truth is I’d been in a dark place for a long time, I’d just chosen to ignore it . But as we faced the challenge of lockdown with two under 3s I'd all hope!

Here I was, a father of two and I was falling apart. 

I’d hidden it well but for the first time I couldn't feel anything but pain. 

To be clear I’m a good dad and I never believed that I wasn't capable of being a good dad. 

I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so unhappy. I had everything I wanted but I still felt empty, lost and frustrated.

At the time it felt like I was living inside a black cloud.

There was no light, and the weight of the cloud made everything, even basic tasks hard to do. I was supposed to be enjoying this time, but I was crippled by anxiety, frustration, stress and anger.

I became a dad for the first time in 2017 – I nailed it! I took it in my stride and just got on with it.

I never questioned my competence and I felt like I had it all under control.

​But, 9 days into this new adventure and the enormity of what I was facing hit me hard and fast.

It had been a terrible day...

Our youngest had behaved beautifully but our eldest had been a handful and as bedtime came around it was about to get a lot harder.

He was reaching out – He wanted to feel loved and protected.

During the day my mood only got darker and as I descended into an endless cycle of negative thoughts my eldest was taking the brunt of it!

I was short tempered, impatient and in all honesty, a ball of flaming misery.

This had nothing to do with being a dad or the fact we were locked down.

This had everything to do with me.

My behaviour that day made those next few hours even worse.

We'd dreaded bedtime that night and whilst we were both finding his behaviour challenging, only one of us was mentally burnt out.

This was supposed to be fun!

He was screaming and crying. All he wanted was to be close to mummy and daddy.

All I wanted was a moment to breathe!

A few hours into the fight and I needed to escape. The solution...

Jump in the car and go for a drive.

For the record this was a solution that had never worked before.

I stormed out of the house with our young son on my shoulder, jumped in the car and set off.

We drove for what seemed like hours and as we drove my thoughts were getting darker and darker. I

looked at him in the rearview mirror and asked myself whether he would be better off without me?

Had my thoughts really got that dark?

I had pushed myself to the very edge.

My mind and body had given me plenty of warnings, but I ignored them in the pursuit of giving my family everything I thought they needed.

We drove on into the night with no destination, no direction and no time limit. I just needed something to jolt me back to reality.

The car was silent. I couldn’t understand why I was finding this so hard.

At this point I hated myself.

Here I was taking my frustration out on my son, when all he needed was daddy and a cuddle.

I could feel the blood pumping through my body, my mind was filled with darkness, and I could feel the pull of something sinister.

I could see the way out but how I could do that to my young family?

I started to think about how they'd survive and how they'd cope without me. It was an incredibly selfish thought process but right there and then with nowhere to turn, it was all I could think. 

No matter how far I drove he was still awake, he was peaceful but wired.

looking back I.know he was feeding off my energy and sense the fear radiating off me.

I’d talked myself into a frenzy and an hour in, the self-doubt, self-loathing, and worthlessness had consumed me.

As I drove my mind did what it always did…

It created a moment of stillness, suddenly I could see the solution...

“Bury it deep. Put it under lock and key and forget about it”.

This how I responded under pressure.

I’d ignored the signs before but for the first time this felt different, almost dangerous.​

I made my way downstairs and sat down on the sofa in silence opposite my wife. She rightly wanted to know what was wrong, but I couldn't find the words to answer her.

How could I tell her I wanted to give up?

How could I tell her I wanted to walk away and leave her and my children behind? 

As the silence filled the room, I was praying she’d let it go.

I was clinging on but she wanted answers, and without considering the consequence or the power of the words I was about to use I blurted out:

“I can’t cope, I don’t want to be alive anymore!”​

The force of the language hit her full on!

The shock hit hard, and her disbelief quickly turned to anger.

My words had ripped through her, in a matter of seconds I had crushed her dreams! 

At the time she had been holding our 9 day old son. I desperately tried to console her as I tried to undo the pain I'd caused.

I could see the pain in her eyes.

I remember the look like it was yesterday. She looked right through me. It was if I wasn't there.

She was looking through me, planning a life where I wasn’t there, raising our children every day to the memory of the man she once loved.

Her reaction stirred something in me and I instantly felt lighter. ​

The rawness of the moment subsided and as we talked it dawned on me that they needed me to find the strength to carry on.

But it had to be my choice to fight back.

As I comforted her I made a promise, one that I still keep today.

I’d faced up to the demons in my head, but it was obvious that I’d shared too much.

I had walked up to her, pressed a gun to her temple and pulled the trigger.

In that moment of weakness I destroyed everything we’d built together.

And in sharing the pain I'd concealed for so long I caused unspeakable pain to the person I loved and respected more than anyone else.

She couldn’t understand why I was feeling that way.

She wanted answers, pushed me and tried to make sense of what I'd just said.

There was no where to hide, this was my once chance to let her in.

Everything inside of me wanted to fight. I knew in that moment that the only person responsible for where I had needed up was me.

As a couple this had affected us, but my relationship with our eldest was on the verge of falling apart.

As dads we are too quick to judge ourselves and we are way too hard on ourselves.

right away we question our ability to respond under pressure and when we're finding it hard, we look for validation from others. 

I drove myself to the brink but I had nothing to do with being a dad.

And that's the problem a lot of us face... 

We've developed these coping mechanisms that create conflict, leave us feeling exhausted and isolated. 

The problem is...

You cannot hide from your struggles when you're a dad because fatherhood will catch you out and give an almighty kicking!

Fatherhood has taught me a lot about myself and if my story resonated, here's what you need to know... 

I’m like you. I’d do anything for them.

I love them unconditionally and I’m grateful for the world they’ve shown me.

I struggled, but that day something shifted and that night force me to take a long hard look at myself. ​

it was that clarity that pushed me to understand the impact that I had to have on both my kids and my partner.

Let me be very clear.

I attended antenatal classes, and I was ready for the practicalities of fatherhood.

I wasn't ready for the mental strain and the seismic shift in the world around me. I wasn’t ready for the conflict I felt every day I left for work.

I'd seen the love another person had for me, a love I couldn’t find in myself. 

This strong, centered, passionate, beautiful woman, mum, and wife had saved me.

It's not weak to admit that you need help. You are a man, the fact you’ve become an expert at controlling and hiding your emotion isn't an excuse to ignore the need to care for the person that will shape lives!​

You influence, values and beliefs shape the way your children see the world.

Every day theY learn from you.

Your role is to teach, guide and help them find their path.

Your objective is to help them find joy and live a happy and fulfilled life.

My message is simple: As their father you cannot let your struggle dim the light on the most incredible journey.

Today if you’re reading this and find yourself in a hole, remember, no matter how trivial you think it might be, accept it, open your heart, and share it with someone you trust.

It cannot consume you because you are made for so much more and more importantly they need you be so much more. 

Fatherhood is tough, but it is also beautiful and fulfilling beyond words. But if you’re judgement is clouded then you might just miss the beauty in the simple things…

And those are the things that matter most to them.



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I’m the same person.

The only difference is, today I’m a better person to be around, more focused, less frustrated, less distracted and more present and calmer around my kids.

You can’t see the difference. But I know it's there. 

To your kids you’re just dad. They don’t see the pain or the pressure you carry. They see the smile, no matter how much you’ve had to deal with that day.

But on the days when you’re angry, frustrated and cannot get out of that rut you find yourself in they’ll feel it.

Regardless of your experience when you're finding it hard as a dad it can feel like there is nowhere to turn.

You might think why didn’t you reach out?

And you’re right.

But when I reflect back, I was faced with a choice… share or keep it hidden.

I chose the latter.

Yes, I talked to my partner, but for too long I hid behind the mask.

It wasn’t until I hit the bottom that I finally reached out.

I know now that it was the shame associated with asking for help that held me back.

For you it might be different, but at the time I didn’t want people to worry, and I didn’t want people to think I was weak or incapable of feeling different.

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I created The New Dad Recharge, not because I wanted to back you into a corner and talk to you about mental health.

I didn’t want to talk about it either.

I created this course and my community for a simple reason: Because my kids will not have their lives limited by my failures, my frustrations or my decision or failure to make a change.
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​I want my boys to embrace life and see that if you put your mind to something you can achieve anything!​

The New Dad Recharge helped me finally focus on what’s important and understand the drivers behind every decision that I make.​

My boys should never have to fight on alone or shape their own future against circumstances that were forced upon them.

The New Dad Recharge helped me define my role and become the father they need.

My role is to influence, impact and inspire, and today, I'm worthy of that role and I will shape their lives because I've come through the darkest of days.​

If you’re facing something similar, then The New Dad Recharge can help you reset quickly and reflect on the decisions that keep you from becoming the father you’re destined to be.